I’m Not Dead

I’ve just been away. Life went on and I wasn’t really committed to posting regularly here.

Of course I’d turn to this outlet when something momentous happened, though, or started happening. Guess what? The spouse just told me to fuck off to a new life. Ouch.

It’s been coming for a long time. We just aren’t happy together other than when we turn a blind eye to the big stuff. We haven’t had sex since August when he said he didn’t want to till he was in a better place in life (this was when I complained he wasn’t going down on me). I know he was wrong to do that and I think he knows too? Or maybe not, I’m not really sure. It’s just been a big downhill party since then.

What did I get wrong in this relationship?

• I was unemployed and didn’t share the financial burden. He offered me an alternative through the business he proposed and I worked on it for awhile over different periods of time but never kept up with it for more than a few months at a stretch.
• I am not really much like him. I am slower, not as sharp a thinker, not physically or mentally exceptional in any way. I am also nowhere near as self-motivated, organised or disciplined as he is. I just am not in his league. I think he knows that.
• I feel like I set a bad example in the beginning by being more subservient than I should have, but I’m not really sure I did. The biggest issue is that we’ve been together since I was 18 and we were each others’ first relationships and first everythings. So I didn’t have any experiences to learn from, and I also wasn’t a fully formed adult when I met him.

I’ve grown up with him now and he’s grown up as well, and unfortunately our adult selves just don’t “gel”. We like some things in common, enjoy similar things but at the core of it, when it comes to the real fundament of things, he and I come from different backgrounds and are just plain different people. We’re a square peg and a round hole. Two gears that didn’t quite fit, kept grating and sparking, and have eventually caught fire and burnt to a crisp. Ugh, I’m going to stop with that metaphor now.

What makes this time different from the previous times? Both of us realise that we’ve given it a few too many “another chances”. He is fully convinced it is all my fault and that my inability and disinterest in helping him with the business disqualifies me from being a good partner for him. I hate that idea but there is really nothing incorrect about it – he isn’t telling me I am inadequate, just that I am not right. I should accept that and just move on instead of trying to patch things up or trying to change myself to fit him – we’ve seen all these years that it doesn’t work and that it all comes back to this point again.

I am more numb than anything. I knew this moment was coming but was never really sure how I would experience it. Clearly I’m not fully experiencing it yet – perhaps I’m in shock. But that conveys an element of surprise that doesn’t have a place here. Our marriage has been dead a long, long time.

I don’t really feel like talking to someone but I just needed to get my thoughts out so here they are. I clearly have a problem with commitment, so I have no illusions that I’ll be back to regular posting here. In fact, if this is the sort of circumstance that inspires me to write here, perhaps I should be hoping that there are fewer of them. Ta for now.