Daily

What a Year

2016. Everyone’s calling it the worst year ever. How’s it been for me?

  • I have a job now. I like it. It likes me. I can’t find the words to express how much this means to me.
  • I nearly ended up separating from the husband. Some friends came over, we somehow “patched things up”, I think we both still regret doing that?
  • I haven’t had sex since 15 August 2015, when I told my husband I wasn’t getting anything out of it and he couldn’t be bothered to try.
  • I have been very busy, and he has been very busy, so we’ve been fairly happy until recently, when he got un-busy.

The misery and heavy heartedness seems to bring me back to the blog. Sorry about that.

I’ve been in the midst of another “cold shoulder” session from the husband since Thursday. Met some close “girlfriends” yesterday, one of whom is not on speaking terms with him after falling out earlier this year, and another who appears to just about tolerate him.

I am disgusted by how easy it is for me to pretend that everything is okay when we are not in the middle of an ongoing argument. Thinking about it now, it’s quite strange that I am able to instantly forget the heartbreak and the pain when he starts speaking normally to me again. I wonder if this is some sort of Pavlovian response I’ve trained myself into.

Argue > get frozen out > keep entreating him for conversation > break down the wall till he starts speaking to me (however harshly) > get yelled at lots > slow and begrudging conversation > back to status quo. This is the standard pattern of things. “Status quo” involves me being happy, not feeling any weight on my heart, cuddling up to him and being cute and generally lively. Everything gets forgiven and forgotten.

I’m writing this post to remind myself that I shouldn’t forget this. I shouldn’t go back to “normal” after this argument. I’ve made mistakes, I’ve done incorrect things, and he has the right to be angry at me, but he does not have the right to emotionally abuse me. I need to remember.

Penny for your thoughts

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