Aftermath: Blackfish (2013)

This documentary has been referred to as a “psychological thriller”. That’s an interesting way to sell a non-fiction story but it is pretty true. Briefly, this movie depicts the plight of killer whales in captivity by focusing on Tilikum, a bull orca stolen away as a baby and raised in captivity by SeaWorld. He has experienced a difficult childhood, like a human child suffering in abusive foster homes, and has developed psychotic tendencies as an adult whale. He has killed a few humans, often in gruesome ways, yet he is used to breed more offspring that are sometimes kept and sometimes sold to other such waterparks. SeaWorld has in a vast majority of instances downplayed the dangerous nature of these creatures and the pitiful conditions they are kept in, and continues to draw in business. What the hell.

I have to be honest about this – it was a deeply disturbing movie and I cried at the end, a little bit. As children, we go watch these performing animals and enjoy seeing things that we may never see in the natural world ourselves. I really enjoyed watching Free Willy. But as knowledgeable adults aware of the problem, we keep encouraging these theme parks to continue existing and perpetrating atrocities against animals and the humans that work with them. It’s quite shocking to realise that SeaWorld is still making money (although at a progressive loss), more than 2 years after this movie was released!

It’s in a way good that I’ve finally watched Blackfish now, as I am going to watch Jurassic World tomorrow. Massive predators kept in captivity for human entertainment, and specifically a mosasaur¬†(not exactly a dinosaur, more an actual prehistoric water lizard) treated like a performing killer whale, leaping out of the water for a shark hanging as bait. Yes, the dinosaurs aren’t cute enough to garner sympathy like the orcas are, perhaps, but they are certainly fearsome enough to deserve our respect and a healthy dose of “better left alone”. I am certainly curious about how that movie will handle this subject.



Communication is key. You hear that like a tired cliche but it’s true.

Things came to a head with the spouse and I, and we spoke about divorce. We have currently decided to give it one last shot. He isn’t interested in couples’ therapy as he thinks this whole situation is my fault, so I have to wait and see how these next few months go with me doing things his way.

I am sacrificing my ‘out’ by working on his pet project instead of looking for work. It’s a full time thing, and I am learning a lot in the process and attempting to not antagonise my husband in the middle of it all. That’s a bit vague, I know, but anything more specific and people who know me will read this and¬†know exactly who I am. I’m not ready for that kettle of fish yet.

The sex is really, really bad. I don’t approach him for it any more, but I never say no when asked (which is quite rarely as it is – in April and May, we’ve had sex 4 times, 3 of which were in the week after that divorce discussion). He doesn’t have much imagination and admits he sucks at multi-tasking, so sex is usually just penetration after a cursory 10 second attempt at foreplay. It kinds sucks, y’know? But it’s good in a way, I suppose, because good sex might make me more emotionally attached than I already am. Bad sex, and rarely that too, is kind of screwing with my self esteem, though.

So, in a bit of a limbo situation at the moment. But I find myself thinking more clearly about a lot of things than ever before. Maybe this is that elusive growing up people talk about.


Professional Procrastinator

Depression is supposed to be one of the greatest sources of inspiration for writers. I am not a writer by any means but in the past I have found that writing when sad can be cathartic, and can lead to surprising destinations. Hell, most of this blog seems fuelled by that. Lately though, I have been too depressed and lost to even be able to write. I can’t seem to pull together cohesive thoughts, or muster the strength to bang away at the keyboard to keep up with the mayhem in my brain.

No more excuses, though. I am done wallowing in my little pit of despair. I feel like the past couple of months have vaporised. Like I have pushed through a wall of cotton – unsubstantial in smaller quantities but formidable in large ones. It also doesn’t help that the company I interviewed with decide to downsize just at this moment; so no job and no economic freedom for moi. Ergo back to shackles that prevent me from tabling the topic of imminent separation. It’s like the current phase is The Matrix: Reloaded and we are just waiting for The Matrix: Revolutions to land except, y’know, Reloaded was pretty awesome whereas my life is smellier than dog poo right now.

It seems so easy to just live in the moment and put off the big stuff. As long as I keep my mouth shut, I will continue to exist in this manner. We are looking at real estate investments for our savings like there is a big future. Eventually I will have to produce children. I was worried for a long time that my desire to cut and run arose from this eventuality – I do not want children, and perhaps I was manufacturing excuses to get away from that responsibility in this marriage. Now, though, I realise that I am unhappy on a fundamental level, and no fear of procreation could inspire this yawning chasm in my chest. I am tired of second guessing myself, people. I wish I had that Ph.D in me to help out here. (What up blog title reference.)

Get on with it, woman.
Get on with it, woman.

Long Time, No See

Hello boys and girls and everyone in between, if there are any left reading my blog.

It’s a brand new year and lots of people are making resolutions and looking forward to a better year than 2014. Me? I’m just struggling to make it through the day, forget planning for a year. I think 2014 has been the worst so far in terms of personal development and general depression (though things never got suicidal like they once did). I was hoping to have taken some kind of action on the divorce front by the end of the year but I wasn’t able to. I was either a pussy or genuinely didn’t have the resources to do it – the outcome is the same, either way.

Currently, I am half a step better than just a month ago because I have had a job interview and am hoping to hear back positively. The downside is that it might take another month or so to get to know for sure and start, and my brain seems to be on hold till I leave limbo. I haven’t really told anyone but a lot is hinging on my getting this job – hopefully a change in my mental state, a bit more balance in the roles at home, and maybe some savings to start realistically looking at moving out and separating. I’m worried though about putting all my eggs into the same basket – what happens if I get turned down or benched for later or something else? I always have that option of going back to India but damn will that be hard or what.

I went back recently with my husband on the annual pilgrimage that every expat does, and realised how things have changed there. Or perhaps I have changed too and the twain refuse to meet. I would find moving and living there quite hard having gotten used to the better people, better life and better existence here in the UK. I’m not sure I can handle that on top of what will be a painful divorce, but it is still an option.

So there’s the sad little update on my sad little life. There are good things, too:

  • I have been exercising consistently over the past 6 months and have lost over 10 kgs.
  • I am reading more and learning more in general.
  • I’m making a consistent effort to teach myself things on Coursera, though the commitment could definitely improve.
  • I am not crying for little and biggish things as easily as I did earlier. I am able to get through an argument with my husband without breaking down during or afterwards. This is a pretty big deal for me because anything a crying woman says is disregarded and as soon as I get angry/frustrated, I tend to need to cry!

Small things, but adding up to a definite improvement. I am always hoping that one year is better than the next, but it almost never happens. Here’s to hoping like an idiot that this one is?

Damaged but armed and ready for whatever the year has in store, bitch.

My So-Called Brave Face

(For some silly reason, WordPress has decided not to show you the video till you click through on this post if you are viewing it on the site. If it’s over email, I think it should be just above the previous sentence, where it belongs. Sorry!)

Strangely enough, this video explains how I feel better than I do.

These sketches are made by Levni Yilmaz based on different things in his own life (and we’ve all learnt since Shakespeare that this stuff is universal).



Oh dear, I honestly didn’t mean to disappear for that long, but things got really low and I didn’t feel like expending the energy to write them all out. Just dealing with them was tiring enough.

Looks like the coast is as clear as it’s going to get, people. Er, rodents?

After awhile, it’s easier to just ignore and stay with the status quo than actively think about disrupting it, even if it is for the better. I had decided that my ultimate decision was to move back to India and go through with starting the divorce process when we go there for our planned holiday in December, but it then became about seeing if I could try to work it out by talking.

I suggested couples’ therapy to horrendous results. Honestly, it just sucks when there appears to have been total power exchange without your consent in a bloody vanilla relationship! I then tried talking to a couple of friends about what I was planning and they obviously tried talking me out of it, saying instead of such a drastic move I should try to work it out, or find a job elsewhere in the UK. Well, that latter bit isn’t working because I guess I have been unemployed for way too long. I am still exploring a variety of things and will keep trying till I go to India, at least. The former bit is what I have been attempting, and my initials efforts drove me into a depression spiral that I didn’t think I was getting out of this time.

It’s so difficult when you are forced to be rational about yourself when you are in the depressed state, because you aren’t equipped to be coldly logical when you aren’t in a neutral state of mind. I doubt I am fully out of it but as many of you who have been through it know, it’s all about ploughing ahead and hoping one day you break through to the other side.

Tonight was yet another stupid argument brought about by a spiteful misunderstanding. I sometimes find myself wanting an apology really badly, even though that may not solve anything, but I never get it anyway. It’s hard to keep forging ahead when you keep getting rejected – this may be my ego talking, but I am not ashamed to admit that it is still there and would sometimes like to be mollified in the midst of all this self-recrimination. I did decide however that there was no point putting off writing about it, because something serious is going to go down around the end of 2014, one way or another, and I need to be absolutely sure I am doing the right thing. So yay! Another denizen of the internet takes up her soapbox yet again.


I’m A Coward

Things have been very bad here this week. I’ve been feeling more depressed and just letting things go around the house – I can’t bring myself to care about it. I feel a general apathy towards everything in my life; there’s just a hollow feeling in my chest even now.

I had the chance tonight (i.e., another fight) to initiate the topic of divorce, whether both of our lives would be better without the other in it, but I just couldn’t. I didn’t have the courage to. I told myself I wasn’t ready, I hadn’t made plans or saved enough money yet, I hadn’t figured out the things I needed to close here before leaving etc but, really, all these are incidental things that you can always work out, right? I was just making excuses so I didn’t have to face the truth today.

I wasn’t brave enough to ask, “Would your life be easier without me?” – and the thing is, I kind of know the answer already, but I feel like it would be absolutely awful to actually have him confirm it. I’ve been reading a lot lately about how to prepare for divorce, how to break it to your spouse etc and the first and foremost bit of advice everyone has is this: make sure you are ready to let go.

Tonight, I’ve discovered that I’m not. I don’t know if this comes out of any regard for him specifically or just a general fear of being out on the streets without having made any arrangements for the situation.

I will continue to look for work but my main goal now is to start getting my papers together and organised. I need to figure out where I stand financially and prepare a real action plan for when I actually bring the divorce subject up.

Why do the movies never prepare you for the legwork?!


The Plain Facts

If you take my body and use it to give you pleasure, that fulfils me.
If you enjoy testing my limits, and you respect how precious your possession is to you, that gives me endless joy.
I don’t like pain. It does not in itself give me any pleasure. But if I can make you happy by experiencing pain at your hand, I will enjoy my suffering.
If I know you need me to punish myself for you, I am already there ready to do it.

Power and responsibility as a submissive

Anyone who is in the D/s lifestyle and doesn’t know of Symon – please, go read his blog and absorb his experienced words of wisdom. I respect him immensely and envy his submissive just a teeny tiny bit. Lie – a lot.

This is one of those posts that should be required reading for an imaginary BDSM101 class. A Lot of people think that sexually enjoying being dominated automatically makes them submissive. While that may make you a bottom, or a general masochist, or possibly at the other extreme a slave, it is only one aspect of submission.

One cannot truly call oneself a submissive until there is a genuine feeling of happiness in their heart from submitting their will to a trusted someone. I know the line here is quite blurred but I associate a lot of emotions and feelings with being submissive that I don’t think will be embraced by someone who just likes submissive play. I think this post by Symon beautifully expresses some aspects of submission that make you think about your own values, whichever end of the BDSM spectrum you lean towards.