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Separation, Step One?

Well, it’s finally happened – the husband has moved to the guest bedroom and refuses to sleep with me in the same bed any more because, as he so eloquently keeps asking me, “What’s the point?”

Not sure if I should answer or if it's a trap

I should admit I was a bit blind-sided by this because we recently completed 9 years of being together and that morning, he initiated sex. We were both very sleepy so we didn’t ‘complete’, and that was that. That night we attended a concert and came back, again very sleepy. He initiated sex again but both of us fell asleep. Yes kids, welcome to an adult’s reality – one can actually be too sleepy to bother with sex.

The next morning onwards, I get the cold shoulder and I get told to just leave him alone. He said it was his problem and he had to deal with it, and ignored me most of the day. When it came time to go to bed, he drops the bombshell – he doesn’t want to sleep in the same bed as me. I don’t get an answer for a couple of days about why, but I finally manage him to say he will think about it for a few days before discussing it with me.

The following day, he tells me what happened – apparently the second time I mentioned above where we were very sleepy, he had asked me if we could do it and I had said, “What’s in it for me?” Ouch. Bit harsh on my part, I admit – I don’t even remember saying it so clearly the sleep removed any filters I may have usually applied to such a thought.

This needs some background, I suppose. Over the past few months, I have been trying to be honest about my feelings about our sex – I never get to orgasm because he doesn’t have any interest/energy/enthusiasm to pursue anything other than penetration. I don’t know if he doesn’t like to go down on me, or if he thinks it’s too much work, or if the learning curve has him not wanting to fail a few times, but he has only done it possibly twice or three times over the course of our 9 years together. I have faked a fair few orgasms and have teared up after sex (privately, not to his awareness) because of how frustrated I felt. I am a very sexually awake person and know I would enjoy sex if a fraction of the interest I show in my partner were shown to me.

So this whole new leaf I have seemingly turned in the hopes of working this relationship out or quitting it cleanly involves honesty, and I have been embracing that in many other ways too. As a partner, I suppose I expected him to react entirely differently – maybe to look up ways he could bring me to orgasm or improve his technique at least, or, y’know, just something that indicates to me that he wants to please me that way.

I am the opposite of a selfish lover. I have no compunctions about blow jobs and definitely enjoy the power rush from them. I am always keeping an eye out for things I think he enjoys so I can catalogue them for a repeat later. I am cooperative when it comes to positions and am always understanding about early orgasms for him (I never blame him, because we hardly ever do it so I figure he doesn’t have a chance to build up stamina). I am enthusiastic about taking control when it looks like he is too tired or maybe wants to take a back seat. But… there is only so much a girl can do before she starts questioning why there is no effort from the other end.

Too many girls want attention, not enough want respect
Yes, but a baseline level of attention would be much appreciated, thanks.

I understand he is busy, works all day and comes back only to work more on the start-up we have been planning. I understand he is tired physically or mentally, most of the time. I understand that he makes so many decisions every day that he just wants to come back home and unwind. But I cannot understand why, on a Saturday morning, when he’s had a lie-in and has no work to think about, he can’t try to make sex a bit more interesting for me when I have expressed a need for it. He says he is unable to focus on anything else when he has all this going on – okay, I know the type of person he is and how he becomes obsessed with finishing things. But how/why does he initiate sex if he can’t think about anything else? And when he does initiate it, why can’t he be bothered to do more than the bare necessities? I am after all his wife, right? Surely if there is one person in the world he knows he should invest some time in to please, it should be me?

Anyway, his perspective is that he cannot give me more attention because he is too tired or too focused on other things. He thinks it’s unfair on his part to expect me to sleep with him when he is not prepared to give as much in return, so therefore his solution is to not sleep together. Yes, I find the logic a bit befuddling too.

It’s been about 5 days since all this, and looks like he is perfectly happy to continue with our work discussions and daily life chatter except we are sleeping in separate beds. My second attempt to rationally and honest discuss the issue with him resulted in statements like, “I went to work today and wondered why I bothered and what was in it for me,” and, in response to when I suggested maybe once in a month or two months to focus on giving me an orgasm, “Okay, I do that and maybe once in a month or two months you go to work and earn some money.” Well, fuck.

That money argument makes me sick. It has come up so many times over the years because he is the wage-earner of the house. It’s so stupid that he brings it up now when I am actually working on the start-up he asked me to spend my time working on in exclusion to looking for work. I figured he was being spiteful because he was still hurt by my saying “What’s in it for me” and was lashing out, and told him to talk to me about it again when he felt more rational about it. This was a couple of days back and still no word on the subject although each night we are both awake as we see the other person turning in to a different bedroom, so I am not feeling too optimistic.

I have thought about various possible solutions to this situation that I could offer to him, because he is of the view that it is unfixable:

  1. We continue as before with sex where I stay unfulfilled – I was feeling so awful that I actually considered this option for awhile. Honestly though, it is just one more unhealthy thing in the long run and is not a situation that I should volunteer for, let alone subscribe to, no matter how much I think it will relieve him.
  2. We continue as before and he makes one session every couple of months about me – see a couple of paragraphs above. Not an option.
  3. We continue in separate bedrooms – we are currently doing this due to lack of other ideas. I openly told him that this would only drive us further apart and that eventually we would lose any common ground we had, but he just agreed and kept quiet about it. What the hell, I’m left feeling like I am the only one interested in giving this a good old honest try.
  4. There really isn’t another alternative here, is there? We are not the open relationship type of people.

I don’t have anybody I can speak about this to, so I guess I’m sharing it here. My mother is mentally retarded and has never been equipped to do motherly things beyond the actual giving birth, and no other parental figure really qualifies. I don’t think any of my friends qualify either because they are just as lost as I am in their own relationships and they are actually in happier ones. I don’t see a therapist so the internet’s all I’ve got left, I suppose.

I’m not really sure what the next step here is. Sorry about the long and depressing post, but it’s kind of a part of what you signed up for.

Pay attention to me
Is being this cute the trick?

4 thoughts on “Separation, Step One?

  1. I think if he’s interested, book in to see a couples counselor or a sex therapist together. You’re totally right, sleeping in different rooms isn’t going to somehow fix everything – it could actually tear your relationship apart. So I’d suggest some counselling together to get your connection back with better communication and mutual understanding and respect.

    As for the sex itself, the way you’ve described it sounds incredibly boring. No wonder you said “what’s in it for me?”!

    There’s possible solutions but you’re going to have to think a little differently about the situation. Saying that hes bad and you’re good (very basic interpretation, sorry about that) is called the blame game and yes, we’re all guilty of it. But how about instead, you play the ‘how can I get him to maul the shit out of me’ game. Tip: being a saucy seductress will stir his loins.

    My comment here on that was going to be super long so I’m doing a post, I’ll give you the link when I’m done :)

    Apart from seduction, why not try to incorporate toys/kink (if you don’t already)? I’m putting your hubby in the ‘poke poke spooge’ category and if you’re not happy with that, you need to try and incorporate more to the mix.

    I’m not sure if this helped but hopefully it’s given you encouragement to give it a good hard effort before giving up completely :)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Apologies for the delayed response – life isn’t going to let up for the rest of the year at least, sigh.

      I’m not sure I’ve touched upon this earlier, but one of the things my husband likes to rile me up with when angry is my lack of employment and ability to bring in money. So his stand on counselling is for me to arrange it when I can pay for it, as he believes all of our problems are my fault. So that’s out.

      I honestly think that if he put in some effort in bed, he would be a rockstar and have me at the end of a metaphorical leash, voluntarily. However, he has very rarely been up for trying more than ‘poke poke spooge’ (as you so eloquently put it) when it comes to doing some work himself. When I used to excite him to draw him into sex, he would respond enthusiastically but not in terms of foreplay etc.; only by being super ready to do aforementioned poking and spooging.

      I love the post that you’ve linked; I am at least in recent years more comfortable with my sexuality and more confident in my seduction attempts (long way to go still nevertheless). However, my husband has clearly said that, for the forseeable future, he is not going to want to go down on me or volunteer any other means of getting me off regardless of what shenanigans I am up for in bed, because he has no energy for it owing to other pressures in life. It takes two people to make sex work, and I am finally tired of just putting myself out there for more hurt or rejection. However, I can recognise that, my self-respect aside, there isn’t going to be any effort forthcoming on his end, so perhaps either desperation or sexual frustration will have me put, y’know, principles, aside, and just jump him to get what he is willing to give in the hopes of keeping this near-farce of a relationship from breaking down completely.

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      1. Ugh yeah I’ve been unemployed quite a lot and understand what it’s like – everyone thinks you’re lazy and you end up getting pretty down about it (not the best attitude when you’re trying to portray this confident employable person in interviews!).

        I could be completely wrong here but I think ‘no energy for it’ is a bullshit excuse. Aka a cover. I know men who beg me to sit on their face. They’ll spend 95% of the time during sex with a focus on pleasuring me with their hands and face. Yes, I understand some guys are pussy mad just like some women are cock hungry and that there is the other side of the coin.. Well I’m both sides of the coin – it changes depending on the person. Funnily enough I have a post sitting as a Draft about my feelings on blow jobs so I’ll dedicate some time and try to finish that in case it helps.

        But in summary, if he has energy to fuck you then he’s got energy to lick the clam. He’s choosing to spend his energy on both of your pleasure (but mainly his, let’s be honest) rather than on you (and like most men – getting pleasure from seeing you experience pleasure). It’s a strange situation but I guess discussing how he feels about giving/receiving oral is a start. Letting him know that it’s a no-judgement zone and that he can say what he wants freely might help draw out his true reasoning. If he isn’t feeling chatty, have a good think about what could be going on. For example, if you’re experiencing problems in your relationship (apart from the sex), then maybe he feels angry and bitter and thinks giving you oral is too generous. Or maybe he’s just never been a real big oral giver? He might just not like it.

        Liked by 1 person

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