Daily

Long Time, No See

Hello boys and girls and everyone in between, if there are any left reading my blog.

It’s a brand new year and lots of people are making resolutions and looking forward to a better year than 2014. Me? I’m just struggling to make it through the day, forget planning for a year. I think 2014 has been the worst so far in terms of personal development and general depression (though things never got suicidal like they once did). I was hoping to have taken some kind of action on the divorce front by the end of the year but I wasn’t able to. I was either a pussy or genuinely didn’t have the resources to do it – the outcome is the same, either way.

Currently, I am half a step better than just a month ago because I have had a job interview and am hoping to hear back positively. The downside is that it might take another month or so to get to know for sure and start, and my brain seems to be on hold till I leave limbo. I haven’t really told anyone but a lot is hinging on my getting this job – hopefully a change in my mental state, a bit more balance in the roles at home, and maybe some savings to start realistically looking at moving out and separating. I’m worried though about putting all my eggs into the same basket – what happens if I get turned down or benched for later or something else? I always have that option of going back to India but damn will that be hard or what.

I went back recently with my husband on the annual pilgrimage that every expat does, and realised how things have changed there. Or perhaps I have changed too and the twain refuse to meet. I would find moving and living there quite hard having gotten used to the better people, better life and better existence here in the UK. I’m not sure I can handle that on top of what will be a painful divorce, but it is still an option.

So there’s the sad little update on my sad little life. There are good things, too:

  • I have been exercising consistently over the past 6 months and have lost over 10 kgs.
  • I am reading more and learning more in general.
  • I’m making a consistent effort to teach myself things on Coursera, though the commitment could definitely improve.
  • I am not crying for little and biggish things as easily as I did earlier. I am able to get through an argument with my husband without breaking down during or afterwards. This is a pretty big deal for me because anything a crying woman says is disregarded and as soon as I get angry/frustrated, I tend to need to cry!

Small things, but adding up to a definite improvement. I am always hoping that one year is better than the next, but it almost never happens. Here’s to hoping like an idiot that this one is?

Raiden
Damaged but armed and ready for whatever the year has in store, bitch.

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