Oh dear, I honestly didn’t mean to disappear for that long, but things got really low and I didn’t feel like expending the energy to write them all out. Just dealing with them was tiring enough.
After awhile, it’s easier to just ignore and stay with the status quo than actively think about disrupting it, even if it is for the better. I had decided that my ultimate decision was to move back to India and go through with starting the divorce process when we go there for our planned holiday in December, but it then became about seeing if I could try to work it out by talking.
I suggested couples’ therapy to horrendous results. Honestly, it just sucks when there appears to have been total power exchange without your consent in a bloody vanilla relationship! I then tried talking to a couple of friends about what I was planning and they obviously tried talking me out of it, saying instead of such a drastic move I should try to work it out, or find a job elsewhere in the UK. Well, that latter bit isn’t working because I guess I have been unemployed for way too long. I am still exploring a variety of things and will keep trying till I go to India, at least. The former bit is what I have been attempting, and my initials efforts drove me into a depression spiral that I didn’t think I was getting out of this time.
It’s so difficult when you are forced to be rational about yourself when you are in the depressed state, because you aren’t equipped to be coldly logical when you aren’t in a neutral state of mind. I doubt I am fully out of it but as many of you who have been through it know, it’s all about ploughing ahead and hoping one day you break through to the other side.
Tonight was yet another stupid argument brought about by a spiteful misunderstanding. I sometimes find myself wanting an apology really badly, even though that may not solve anything, but I never get it anyway. It’s hard to keep forging ahead when you keep getting rejected – this may be my ego talking, but I am not ashamed to admit that it is still there and would sometimes like to be mollified in the midst of all this self-recrimination. I did decide however that there was no point putting off writing about it, because something serious is going to go down around the end of 2014, one way or another, and I need to be absolutely sure I am doing the right thing. So yay! Another denizen of the internet takes up her soapbox yet again.