Things have been very bad here this week. I’ve been feeling more depressed and just letting things go around the house – I can’t bring myself to care about it. I feel a general apathy towards everything in my life; there’s just a hollow feeling in my chest even now.
I had the chance tonight (i.e., another fight) to initiate the topic of divorce, whether both of our lives would be better without the other in it, but I just couldn’t. I didn’t have the courage to. I told myself I wasn’t ready, I hadn’t made plans or saved enough money yet, I hadn’t figured out the things I needed to close here before leaving etc but, really, all these are incidental things that you can always work out, right? I was just making excuses so I didn’t have to face the truth today.
I wasn’t brave enough to ask, “Would your life be easier without me?” – and the thing is, I kind of know the answer already, but I feel like it would be absolutely awful to actually have him confirm it. I’ve been reading a lot lately about how to prepare for divorce, how to break it to your spouse etc and the first and foremost bit of advice everyone has is this: make sure you are ready to let go.
Tonight, I’ve discovered that I’m not. I don’t know if this comes out of any regard for him specifically or just a general fear of being out on the streets without having made any arrangements for the situation.
I will continue to look for work but my main goal now is to start getting my papers together and organised. I need to figure out where I stand financially and prepare a real action plan for when I actually bring the divorce subject up.
Why do the movies never prepare you for the legwork?!