It’s so easy to dish out advice and so hard to use it yourself, isn’t it. At least it appears to be the case for me.
I tell you to never live a life less than what you deserve, and I do it myself. Inertia, that’s what it is. I’ve been ‘busy’, if you could call it that, planning and taking holidays because my husband has been in the mood for them at the end of summer. While we are away, we tend to not fight – it’s almost like a mutually unsaid agreement to not talk the serious stuff so we don’t risk a conflagration, and usually it ends as soon as we get home.
This time, the truce has lasted almost 4 days. Surprisingly, a discussion about no-carb diets has now resulted in him upstairs in bed and me downstairs on the couch. (I’m not cheerful enough yet to repost the sexy lady on the couch pic.)
He is a very logical person and, unfortunately, I’m not. Well, obviously daily life functions require logic and I possess it to that extent, but when it comes to discussion, I am more an emotional person that doesn’t know the first thing about constructing an argument or looking for fallacies. I get defensive when the innocent things I say get taken apart or turned against me. This is a large part of why we don’t get along. It ends up making me feel so completely inadequate and ‘not good enough’, to the extent that I’m trying a course on rational arguments to hopefully get better at it. Unfortunately it hasn’t worked so far!
I think so much about living a better life, about improving myself mentally and physically, and lately I have gone about doing a lot of things towards achieving these goals. But I think that’s just my mind conveniently disguising the fact that I am procrastinating on the one thing that is absolutely critical – looking for a job. That’s the one circumstance not in my control that I need to be doing my best about, and that is the one thing I am not doing.
The only word I can think of is Inertia. I think that’s why I’m not doing it – I am comfortable and complacent about my situation. I was happy for 3 days and didn’t see why it couldn’t continue that way. I don’t realise the consequences that come later; I am satisfied with the gratification I currently receive.
Anyone can look at this situation without knowing any details and see the train-wreck unfolding in front of them. Ugh. I don’t have any valid advice to give about this, because I guess I’m not dealing with it very well. I have always hoped for some external factor to light a fire under my ass, so to speak, to get me moving; and in this case, there is only me. There is no one else that knows that I want ‘out’, and there will be nobody pushing me to keep trying. And so I keep falling into the same traps over and over again.