Rocky Marriages: It’s Not All Doom And Gloom

I write here a lot about my continuing dissatisfaction with my marriage and the need to get out of it as soon as practical. I have read about other people going through things like this but there is one fact all accounts fail to share: you are not 100% unhappy 100% of the time. Please do note I am not referring to physically abusive/dangerous relationships – simply non-violent, unhappy ones.

What a shocker, right? Two unhappily married people who are toxic for each other can still share moments of camaraderie. Your shared years together certainly creates an undeniable intimacy, and you will have your in-jokes and the quiet moments when nothing serious is being discussed and the two brains are in low-power mode.

Puppy and kitten cuddling
We’re so cosy.

At these times and later when you remember them, it’s hard to want to get out of the relationship. This kind of comfort comes with time, and building all that from scratch again with someone else looks like it may need a herculean effort. This creates inertia, and you procrastinate on your exit plan. It’s comfortable lying there with them, and it’s hard to hate them in that moment. It’s really hard to maintain the distance you’ve been trying to keep. But, of course, as soon as you let your guard down and let yourself feel positive about it, something happens to trigger an argument and you are rudely reminded of exactly why you wanted out. You feel awful, gear yourself up to getting on your separation strategy, and start the cycle again by trying to be distant and less invested.

This is currently my situation. I assume there will be a point where I am in a financially strong enough position to begin divorce proceedings, but until then I expect the roller-coaster ride to unfortunately continue. It’s a very stressful time (on top of the stress from the relationship itself) because I have no one to talk to about this and I am trying to find employment to support myself after 4 years out of the job market. I also realise that, while I do not love my husband any more, I once did, strongly enough to marry him; it will definitely be painful to cause him so much hurt when I finally tell him I am leaving him, and this feels like strong enough cause to look for reasons not to. Eugh, indeed.

Penny for your thoughts

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