How do you know when you can fully trust someone? Whether you’ve been with them a few months or years or decades, at what point do you decide you can bare your true self to them and trust that they have your best interests at heart?
Currently, I am on the couch. I was in an argument and I ran away from a potentially explosive situation.
I got the gist of something my husband had worked out and glossed over it to make him get to the point; I said there was one part I didn’t understand and he made me explain; I admitted there were two bits I didn’t get, he explained it all to me. Then he starts on about how I have a bad attitude of assuming I know everything and had no curiosity to figure things I didn’t know out. I felt the need to correct him because he seemed to be claiming I hadn’t admitted I didn’t get a part of it, and he told me to drop it because we’d fight.
I just somehow can’t shut my mouth when someone seems to have made an erroneous assumption about me. I have to set out to show them the mistake they made and correct them. I proceeded here only to result in pissing him off. I apologised for having done that but admitted I couldn’t see how he could let it go if the roles were reversed.
He then told me to explain only if I had a really good, logical argument to back myself up, else he would get really mad. I checked – apparently that wasn’t a threat but an indication of the direction of things. So any worsening of the argument would continue to be my fault. I thought about asking him to consider the other side to see how he would have reacted, but that has backfired on me before. I can never change the way he views things, and I always end up being in the wrong. Perhaps I am not smart/logical enough to hold up to him in a debate, despite having strong feelings about it.
So I ran.
It’s not like the entire evening was like this – we had had a very pleasant one, working out, dinner with the telly, then discussing the Wodehouse books we wanted to buy. We went to bed, he showed me the pricing spreadsheet he had drawn up, argument ensued. It was actually rather pleasant up until that point.
We have known each other for over 8 years now. I haven’t figured out jack shit about him, seems like. He doesn’t seem to know me at all, either. We have formed awful opinions of each other that now colour our every interaction, and we have become too hostile to take our walls down and mend the bridge.
It all boils down to trust, you know. Neither of us trusts each other with our best interests. Each believes the other wants to score points. Each thinks the other thinks and does things they aren’t aware of. Each sees the other do one thing and assumes it is because of a twisted opinion one has already formed. I am applying all this to myself too – I’m not blameless in the least.
If I can claim to have been in love with someone for 8 years (and lived with them for the last 4), and I still feel I don’t know this person at all, I think the problem lies with me. I think it becomes even more important that I put the poor chap out of his misery by setting him free quickly. At least then he can’t pity me for taking him for granted.