Sexuality

Awkward Sex Things Mummy Never Told You About

Are you a fresh faced virgin curious about what real sex entails? Are you a horny teenager who’s seen one too many pornos and can’t figure out why real sex doesn’t feel the same? Whether you’re a young, sexy thang getting into an active sex life or an adult entering their prime and finding themselves in a relationship that lasts longer than, “Woah, what happened last night? Where am I? kthxbai”, having regular sex enlightens you to certain realities of two (or more) very human people bumping uglies. And uglies it will be as in most cases you will not be boinking a porn star.

Yes, that is the answer to most questions about the realities of sex. Porn is not necessarily an idealised version of it, but it somehow is dirtier and cleaner than the average bout of sex the average person will experience in the average lifetime. She’s not going to have a freshly waxed coochie all the time, and he’s not going to be hairless and smelling like expensive cologne all the time. Morning breath, smelly fart et al are the realities of our hook ups, like it or lump it. Mind you, sex in any form is pretty awesome. The accompanying orgasms are almost always worth putting up with almost anything. Here’s my list of things you should mentally steel yourself for encountering in real life once you peel yourself away from the computer screen.

Yeees, pay close attention to Dr Jane's friendly reality check
Yeees, pay close attention to Dr Jane’s friendly reality check

1. Vagina farts

You are in the thick of the action. Tab B is pounding away at Slot A. Jackhammering comes to mind. The man pulls out to flip the woman over. In true Oatmeal spirit, “Thrrrppt” goes the vagina.

Awkward silence as both parties are bewildered, mortified and disgusted all at the same time.

This is just air expulsion from the vagina. Just as you burp if you’ve gulped a lot of water down or eaten too fast and ingested a bunch of air bubbles, all that pistoning into the vagina pumps air in that doesn’t belong there. The woman moving her body forces the air around and out and, since she is wet from said activities, the effect produced is similar to a fart in the shower. It’s rather sexy if you think about it. So silently acknowledge that it happened, and move on.

2. Needing to actually pee/fart

You are contorting yourself into positions your inner organs don’t normally occupy. Perhaps someone is lying on top of you. A cock/finger is very dedicatedly pounding away at you. Maybe there’s a finger/tongue delicately exploring your ass. Things are in orifices. It’s perfectly normal to suddenly feel the urge to pee when your bladder is being pressed on (or your g-spot is being fingered, but you can ignore this one), and it’s perfectly normal to want to let one rip because your belly has been squished sideways.

It might be in your best interests to plead a pee visit to the loo in both cases if you think they can’t be held in. In the case of the former, it might get messy in the middle of interesting things (yes, it can happen, and it’s not very likely your partner is into watersports); in the latter case, you risk a smelly SBD or, worse, an unexpectedly loud one owing to all the sweat. Hold it in or run to the loo. If you are in a comfortable enough relationship with your partner where you openly announce bodily functions, by all means do so and bask in the glow of your sickeningly healthy relationship.

Fart Kitty
Just how could you be angry at that face?

The fart is also a good possibility if one has been hammering at the anal area (this would be in lieu of the vagina fart, see 1). This particular activity could result in something far, far worse. Yes. Poop residue. Unless there’s been an enema recently, the poop chute is highly in danger of resultant byproducts. So use a condom and steel yourself.

3. Sweating and the attendant aspects of same

Sex is active stuff. Even if you’re not physically fit and using the missionary, you’re going to be sweating, and so is your partner. Let me burst your bubble now – private parts do not smell and taste like fan fiction, erotica and porn make them out to. They are usually musky, a bit salty, hopefully not gag worthy. Sweat intensifies this to a whole new level, bestows an olfactory promotion if you will. So don’t stick your head down there and take an almighty whiff in ignorance. Small breaths through your mouth and eventually through your nose (because what are you doing down there if not using your tongue?) will ease you into the flow of things.

Exercise t-shirt
Good for exercise, not so much hardcore fucking

Watch out for sweat-related injuries especially in hot weather. Men like to stick their penises into a cleavage vagina. It is super sexy to smush your breasts together and offer them to a man, but friction does hurt. Same with the thighs.

3a. Ass sweat

It does follow, if not already obvious, that you will sweat down your back. There will be droplets sneaking through your ass crack into your hole. Movies make sweat droplets seem sexy. They are not. Beware that a fart at this point will probably be wet and noisy.

4. Body ache

Unless you are still a randy teenager wanting to hump everything in sight with the body to follow through, your back is eventually going to get sore from pumping or being bent over. The muscles connecting your torso to your thighs will burn like fuck if you’ve splayed your legs apart for too long. God forbid your neck suddenly cricks or your foot suddenly spasms from whatever position you’re attempting from that book you snuck a peek into when your parents weren’t looking. All this happens and will continue to happen (increasingly as you age) during sex. Accept it gracefully, and maybe try and improve your fitness and flexibility a tad.

5. Cramped wrists aka The Claw

This deserves a section of its own, because it is a phenomenon distinct from generic aches and pains.

A man desperately twiddling a g-spot or prostate. A woman or man giving the nightmare handjob where the recipient doesn’t seem likely to cum soon. You don’t see this in porn; people are supposed to orgasm when you ask them to, aren’t they?

Enter The Claw. When the muscles in your wrist give up and say, “Let’s punish this motherfucker by going on strike,” and your hand freezes. A sharp jolt of pain followed by icy numbness, or a sensation of little ants biting you to buggering hell. Or, worst of all, the spasm made of nightmares as those muscles contort your hand into all sorts of new positions you couldn’t make it hold earlier.

Captain Claw
I mean no disrespect to this awesome game

6. Thigh hair

This one is especially for the men, the ones with thigh/leg/arm hair longer than half an inch. That shit is going to snag or get pulled or dragged or accidentally plucked during sexy times. Someone will be sliding over to assume a new position and your hair will painfully get in the way. She will be trying to sexily run her foot over yours but it will be pulling successive rows of hairs. Trim or attempt a non-shrieky grunt.

7. Stubble burn

We can’t all be perfectly hairless in all the required places all the time. Hair stubbornly always grows back and is not always long enough for the appropriate removal methods. Whether a man’s cheek or a man or woman’s groin, there be stubble to watch out for, y’all. Remember the friction I mentioned earlier? That and tiny, freshly growing hairs make a great team to rip skin in sensitive places. Or at least irritate it severely. Giving head and porking can both be hazardous activities to both giver and receiver. Only the professionals can afford to be cleanly shaven/waxed all of the time, honestly.

8. Rolls of fat

Even the best of bodies can look unflattering when folded into exotic positions. The sexiest people can look fugly as they reach desperately for that elusive pleasure peak by twisting their bodies. You’re going down on a lovely woman and you look up from your godly work to see the horrid one-eyed monster aka a folded belly button on a layer of muffin top. This should not put you off because she is likely horrified by the hairy and pimply nature of your skinny arse, yet is still proceeding with the mutually agreed fornication. The thing with fucking an actual person, you see, is that it really is a human being there, with all the flaws and weakness all humans come with. Sex honestly is a beautiful thing that we are lucky to be able to share for more than just procreation, and the small, petty things shouldn’t cheapen the attempt.

All this and more can and will happen over the timeline of your sexcapades. If you are lucky, you will have an understanding partner who will laugh it off with you and prove themselves worthy of your affection. If not, they are doomed to a lifetime of unsatisfactory sex while you just narrowly escaped attaching yourself to a shallow man/woman. Sex is simply too cool an experience to let that shit bring you down. Do let me know if you can think of other things that might belong on this list. Someone might find it useful someday.

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