There has been a growth in the number of people reading this blog and I thought a repeat of my warning was due: I write here mostly to help me work through my issues and it will in all probability involve a lot of whining about my marital problems and self-esteem. It might not always be to your taste. If you want me to talk about something, do let me know and I’ll consider it.
Last night is a typical example of why this relationship is toxic for the both of us.
Scene: We are in bed. He is rereading Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. I am discreetly reading the archives of Good Clean Fun (which is anything but). I am deeply involved in an intelligent post when…
Spouse: Umbridge has apparently used Veritaserum on Harry before? I can’t remember. Do you know when?
Me: I read the book a decade ago. Do you really expect me to know? *hazards a few guesses*
Spouse: This is annoying, why don’t we know? *starts looking it up on his tablet, I slowly look back at my phone* I can’t seem to find anything proper about it. Can you look it up?
Me: I’m reading something here, and I’m not particularly keen on finding out. You look it up.
Spouse: I’m not able to find it and I really want to know.
Me: I don’t particularly; it’s not my problem.
Spouse: Get. Lost. *deep passive aggressive sulk*
Me: Where did that come from?
This devolved into him saying I had a brilliant attitude and he would try it with me the next time I wanted him to do something.
My first instinct was to say, “You’ve never looked up frivolous things for me. You always tell me to not bother you with it, and I take it in the right spirit because it was a silly thing. Why can’t you?” Unfortunately this was shot down with, “It bothers me, therefore it should be good enough reason for it to be our problem rather than not yours.” I said he was being spiteful and he said I deserved it. There was some further back and forth that I don’t remember clearly (but was a rehash of the previous you’re-a-callous-bitch-and-I-will-retaliate) and it ended with me rolling over to sleep while he continued reading. It was formal tones in the morning but not antagonistic, which is always a plus.
Sorry to share a silly domestic here, but I thought it would be helpful to illustrate one of my many issues.
This is clearly a minor thing. Practically a non-thing. It does not deserve the harshness directed at me, not does it deserve my uncharitable thoughts directed at him. It should have ended with me saying in a more thoughtful way that I would look it up later because it wasn’t an urgent thing, and/or with him saying it wasn’t important, never mind. It should certainly not have devolved into he-said-she-said, I’ll-remember-this-to-hurt-you-later nastiness. I blame his temper, but I am also at fault for saying the first thing that came to mind.
Thankfully I did not let myself get worked up about the whole thing, kept my tones pretty neutral and ended the affair in under 5 minutes without tears or post-event stewing on my part (though he had himself a good sulk). That’s definitely progress (for me).
The deeper issue here, though, is that he felt it necessary to lash out at me over this one thing – that I did not consider his problem important and try to help him with it. That I did not prioritise his need (looking it up), possibly over mine (reading my article). I believe he has hinted at this in vague terms over different, random arguments, but never tried to express it in so many words. I have thought it over and concluded that it is a consequence of the decay festering away at our bond – I never really let him into my life while I was living away from him, and I ended up letting him become all my life when I married him. Now that I am bitter enough and want to leave, I am not falling over myself trying to please him in all sorts of ways; I am not trying to surprise him with special meals or gifts; I am not EVER requesting we have sex or that he give me some oral; I am just… numb. I have already begun mentally to live my life by myself (hello, anonymous blog he doesn’t know about) and he or his needs don’t have a part in it. I believe he is sensing this in some way and blowing a small thing out of proportion because it reminded him of this feeling. My lack of interest in him is shortening his temper?
I don’t know exactly what to feel about that. I am truly numb here – I don’t even feel the sympathy I once used to feel for him, working so hard every day and coming home to an indifferent wife. I feel nothing. I’m curious as to how this is going to end for me.