Under The Magnifying Glass

I have been trying to take a step back and examine my reasons for wanting out of this marriage.

I am actually in a pretty cushy position. I am unemployed, and my husband is an investment banker. I take care of the house and he earns enough to keep us quite comfortable. We go on holidays at least a few times a year. We don’t have children (we are in our mid-twenties).

He is very smart and good at what he does, and only expects that I take care of everything else, like cooking, cleaning the house, paying bills on time etc. I do everything other than maintaining the house quite all right. I have never been a very neat person and we tend to clash on his vision of order vs my not dirty enough to be cleaned philosophy.

Because he is so smart (and I am really going for the high IQ image here), he is very logical and rational and pokes holes in my arguments like Swiss cheese. I am an emotional, seat-of-my-pants type person and can’t handle his adherence to logic sometimes. For the past 2 years, we have been arguing almost non-stop. This has gotten so bad sometimes that I have wandered outside the house in snow because he told me to get out, I have considered suicide a few times and gone to counselling sessions for it, and there have been many days where we’ve actively avoided seeing each other and speaking.

This situation is not emotionally healthy for either of us. While I am materially wanting for nothing, I have lost any sense of independence I should have at my age. I used to live by myself, with a well paying job and a nice apartment. Then I got married and moved to the UK and ruined it all. I can see my skills rusting away, and my mind rotting. I can see how our personality clashes are eating away at our relationship. Soon we’ll get to the point where we’ll have to have children, and I still can’t bring myself to be okay with it even though it is something very important to him.

I guess I’m trying to end it before it gets to the point of no return, because he is too honourable a person to just drop me like that. That’s where the trouble comes from – I am not ready to strike out on my own. I don’t have any means of paying for myself, and I have no intentions of draining his resources after we are divorced. I will just take my stuff (most of which was purchased with his money) and leave. I however cannot afford to do that right now, hence the self doubt and feeling trapped etc.

I’ve thought about this long and hard and come to the conclusion that yes, I need to get divorced to better both our lives. However, that’s about as far as I’ve gotten because I don’t have the means for anything else. I need to find a job but don’t really know where to look, so the search isn’t very structured. I have been without one for too long as well, so the kind of job I can get is also in question.

So you see, ladies and gents, just because you’re in the top 1% income group doesn’t mean your life is all happy and perfect. In fact, I could do with a little less money and a little more self respect. At the very least, all this self-flagellation could give me some physical pleasure. Sigh.

Penny for your thoughts

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