My lying has sky-rocketed to whole new levels. I don’t understand why I do it, because the effort required to maintain the illusion and keep up with loose ends is much greater than the effort required to just get the job done!
I have been sitting in the house doing nothing other than watch silly YouTube videos and read random shit. Yes, this includes reading fanfiction too. However enlightening something is, it doesn’t excuse you forgoing your real life duties to read it. As an adult, to be fully functioning you need to do your bit as well, even if you aren’t the one bringing in the money.
I had decided sometime back that I would first bring my life back to Zero from negative, and then I would start making some positive changes. The negative is my laziness and lying and unemployability; I wanted to get back on track, get the house completely clean and organised, get into a diet and exercise routine and find a job, or at least an internship. That’s bringing it to Zero – the very basic level of where my life should be. From there, I want to look into citizenship, getting a divorce, living an independent life etc. All that is very nice to fantasise about but it really isn’t going to happen unless the foundation is laid. It’s that bit that requires the first bit of work from me, and that bit which is constantly eluding me. No, I shouldn’t shift the blame here – it’s that bit that I’m procrastinating on constantly, almost like I like the status quo and am resisting the change.
What am I afraid of – that I’ll succeed and finally feel good about myself? If my fear really is that I will get better and then have no reason to complain, it’s really stupid. I want to be that good person, right? I want to be the best of me, don’t I? I want to put myself out there and experience life, finally, as opposed to staying at home all day doing absolutely nothing substantial. I accept that I have been depressed, that it has been trying to get the motivation to improve myself because I don’t believe I am worth it, but it’s a never ending cycle. It won’t fix itself unless I do something to break it.
Let today be my first step. Let me figure out a few pending, urgent things, and do them. Let me reflect on how I am making myself a better person in the process, however small of a step at a time it is.