I’m quite confused about my sexual identity.
I am a 26 year old woman with PCOS. I think this has caused a lot of problems, not the least being that my libido was suppressed for a log time. Reading erotica however never fails to get me going, and I’ve been mulling over some odd possibilities lately.
I have fantasies of laying a man onto the bed, tying him to the corners and torturing him slowly with pleasure. I would play with chocolate or wax, suck him off and then fuck him, too. Other times I have fantasies about being the one taking it, and I’m receiving some mind blowing tonguing and sucking and then fucking.
I like being in charge of a sexual situation and planning everything about it, but I also like the idea of being helpless and surrendering my will to someone who knows what to do. I want to be given a thorough fucking by an expert, but I also want to be that expert, y’know? It’s so confusing because I’ve thought for so long that I have submissive tendencies but I’ve never let myself consider that it might really be the other way around.
I love the idea of surrendering myself to another person, to just let go and be in the moment experiencing everything. I love bringing pleasure to someone – this gives me almost as great a high as being pleasured does. I love that another person could take pleasure in the pain and the orders they give me, and then respect and value me enough to take care of me. I sometimes think that I am the perfect empty vessel waiting to receive instruction.
Other times though… I want someone to give me unconditional trust and need me, NEED me to give them guidance and trust me to take care of them. I want someone to follow my lead, let me do whatever I want that I believe will be mutually most enjoyable and then believe in me to take care of them at their most vulnerable. I want to cradle them, feel their pain and soothe their worries, and love them for everything they are and everything they mean to me.
I wonder if I could be a switch, or if I am just a submissive who really wants a Dominant to take care of! I have difficulty bringing myself to orgasm, hence my need for a more experienced partner who can use my body just so. I made the mistake of hooking up with a virgin and then staying on and marrying him, so neither of us have enough experience though I at least have made the effort over the years to pleasure him more. I have also cheated on him a few times, in actual long term arrangements, before we got married, and one of those was with an experienced and slightly older man. He was a good balance of experience and vulnerability; I think that has opened my eyes to needs I never thought I’d have.
Not sure if there is a question here I am trying to answer, but this is definitely one of the big issues plaguing me lately.