I know, it’s not original; Arrested Development got there before I did.
I spent most of the day rereading one of my favourite pieces of fanfiction – For The Potions Master’s Amusement – and thinking about my sexuality and my personality as a whole. I’ve finally worked up the courage to admit that I have gone wrong in many ways and it is primarily due to the fact that I didn’t take the time to know myself.
You see, I am currently in a long-term relationship that turned into a marriage. Eight years of my life that have resulted in me living in the UK, jobless and completely dependent on my husband to take care of my needs. It started out with much more promise, honest. Now I’m trapped while realising over and over that I’ve made a huge mistake (really, I’m not trying to rip off Arrested Development on this blog). I married a vision of someone I thought I wanted, and turned myself into something neither of us want.
I’m sure there’s going to be more space to whine later; my point is that I really need an outlet to organise my thoughts and truly understand who I am, what I want, what I need, and what I should be doing. (Sucks to be you, having to put up with yet another whiny, introspective blog.) There are a few aspects to my personality and my history that I have never shared with anyone, and that are eating away at me. Hopefully this space will help me iron some of those issues out.
Why did I mention the fanfiction? It’s a D/s story from a novice submissive’s perspective, and it’s created some more questions in me about what I am interested in sexually and romantically. It also made me sopping wet; I sat in the same position for hours with a very dry mouth and a very wet cunt, devouring my favourite parts of the story. I eventually had to spend a moment frigging myself away to glory just to be able to move onto other things. It got me introspective and horny, and damn if it didn’t get me philosophical about that too.
Look at me – wandering off the point as usual. That being the central character is made to keep a journal where she chronicles her days as well as writes essays pondering different questions each day, exploring her sexuality, her limits, her opinions and her beliefs. It moulds her into a better, grounded person who gets a second chance at a relationship she hashed the first time around from loving (and sexing) before thinking and knowing herself. My objective here is similar, except not targeted at recovering my relationship in any way. If that happens, I won’t complain; but it is not the endgame.
Let’s see how this experiment goes.